Circles

by JP on August 1, 2011

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Not quite a month ago I left a comment on a fellow bloggers post. I believe every word of it, yet I can’t seem to practice what I preach. It was in regards to feeling like a failure, and it went like this:
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I first came to know about the 33 different kinds of awesome that is Tara after reading this post “How much do you weigh emotionally?″ No matter where we end up physically there is still the emotional weight that won’t be shed, disposed of, or set aside. It is coped with. It is treated with careful hands, as not to be dropped and broken. We use it to learn from past mistakes.

My favorite part about the world of you is the fact that you share your emotion. What was once buried under cheeseburgers and WOW is now brought to the front lines. It is exposed, it’s examined, and it is dealt with. So as you transition wanker, lest not forget that with out getting out and living life we aren’t able to make mistakes, learn, and be happy. Fear of failure is what stops so many of us dead in our tracks. If you don’t fail you’ll never scratch the surface of your limits or what you’re truly capable of. And sister you’re capable of plenty!

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It was the last time I truly sat down to read anything health related. It was two days after my last post. It was a message I wish I could use more in my own journey. I’ve sat down several times to start writing a new post over the last month. The thing is . . . I haven’t the foggiest what to write about. When my emotions get the best of me I can build a wall with the best of em. Consider this post a wrecking ball. I am still dealing with the loss of my grandma. It sucks. Just writing that I start to blubber. I have transitioned from an unemployed drag on the economy to 6o hours a week. I’ve decided to keep going to school as well(ya know, just in case). I have no idea what i’m thinking. I managed to get my “A” once again in summer session Geology lab. I studied a total of three hours, over eight weeks, of a condensed class that is normally seventeen weeks. I am standing up for my best friend from the age of 4 this upcoming Saturday. My third fitbit crapped out on my due to firmware issues AGAIN last month. My wife is 24 weeks currently. The clock is ticking quick. Before I know it I’ll be going from 5-7 hours of sleep to 3-5 hours of bad sleep.
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It’s not that I’ve given up. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about my journey. I’ve been walking around in circles. The big picture is still there. It’s always in the back of my mind, and occasionally in the front of my mind too. I still choose to climb up five stories to talk to the batchman instead of using the two way radios. My belt loop is the same as it was 2 months ago, but I’m walking around in circles.
My birthday is Thursday. It was around then last year that I decided to come back to blogging and really hit it hard to shed my tonnage. It took me a month to get the guts to come back though. Despite not really doing anything failure related, like putting on all the weight I’ve lost, I still have felt like a failure. I don’t know why. Perhaps I started measuring myself against others again. Who knows? What I do know is that it’s taken me darned near a month, and a call from a friend to get the gumption to come back. The feeling of failure stopped me. My still strong Catholic guilt pulsates though these veins. So I am working on finding where that man in the mirror can improve. I am establishing some boundaries. I am working on not walking around in circles. And now I need to work on getting to sleep. The 4:30 am wake up call is just around the corner.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Kari August 2, 2011 at 12:33 am

JP- I am SO PROUD of you for not spending the last 2 months gaining back the weight that you have lost. I am proud of you for still taking the stairs. I am proud of you for still seeing the need to chance your health.

It’s easy to give up. It’s scary to admit that you have been struggling. We all have times where we want to give up and struggle. Thank you for being so honest about your struggles.

Do you have any 5k’s coming up? I’d love to cheer you on as you train. :)

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Kris August 2, 2011 at 1:17 am

Jp,
So Happy to see a post from you. I and others have been so worried about you! We know you have been struggling and that there are only so many hours in the day. :( I wish we could find a way to stretch them out… and shorten them up at other times. I am SOOO relieved to hear that you are in the same place on the beltloop. Would I love to hear it was smaller, hell yeah, but will I celebrate that you arent headed down the wrong way… yeah-you-betcha (said in my most northern-minnesotan accent)
I think we all go through these times when we “walk around in circles” trying to figure out exactly what it is we are looking for or not looking for… or “walk off” our emotions. Dealing with death is dificult, and dealing with new life will be difficult too. Blogging should be a cathartic thing for you a place to let your heart and head drain a bit. It is a tool, and aparently the tool wasnt working for you the last month… so be it.
I am sorry your fitbit bit it again. You have had a bad streak of luck with them :( I hope your next one (if they are replacing it again) works better.

Remember you have a support team out here for you, ready to help you any way we can… you just have to ask. Do we need to put another 5k on the books? We can do it! (hugs) Love you buddy!!!! Send my love to LilD and the wife!

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Nicole D. August 2, 2011 at 6:48 am

So glad you came back- I’m struggling too, if it helps. In the middle of an emotions/feelings course that I haven’t even looked at for the past several days- can we all say RESISTANCE?! Would that we could all just look this shit in the eye and say BEGONE, I am so done with you! But, until then, we do what we can and realize this is the only way to get where we want to be…. Best of luck to you JP!

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Jen, a priorfatgirl August 2, 2011 at 10:43 am

I enjoyed catching up with you last night. Your life is so crazy busy, I really truly do not understand what you are fighting – that said, this is your life. This journey is about figuring out how to be healthy despite everything else going on. I BELIEVE IN YOU!

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Meredith August 2, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Hi JP!

Miss you lots! I’m proud of you being able to keep your chin up to the absolute best of your abilities and your belt loop in place, that is something to be happy about. I know you want to keep moving forward and it can be hard, especially when we lose a loved one. What would your grandma want though? I think she’d want you to be happy, I bet she LOVES that you walk the stairs at work instead of using the radio! I don’t know if I could regularly walk that many stairs! We should do a stair master challenge!

I love Kris’s suggestion of another 5K, do you have time on the weekends to pound one out? I’ll be there for sure!

YOU are worth it! YOU are amazing! YOU are an awesome person that deserves the rewards of living a healthy life!

YOU CAN DO IT!

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Ali, A Future Prior Fat Girl August 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Hey JP,

Just reading this post now, and all I an say is, “I get it”. I GET the crazy hours, and the kids, and the loss of loved ones. I was there just a couple of weeks ago. Like you, I hadn’t given up, I had just kind of started coasting. I didn’t make weightloss or myself, a priorty.

Can’t wait to read more from ya!

Ali

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Samien August 2, 2011 at 9:09 pm

JP –
You are able to give so much support and feedback to others, you can find that motivation for yourself too. It’s baby steps. Someone said it’s not a sprint, but a marathon to the finish. Only you can decide how long it will take your journey, and you have lots of friends to help carry you to the finish.

I hope life quiets and calms for you soon.

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Tanya August 2, 2011 at 10:11 pm

JP,

I just wanted to let you know my 4th fitbit was the charm. I finally got one that worked. I think the others died because of sweat. After the 3rd one crashed I told them I wanted my money back and they talked me into trying it one more time. It turns out that sometimes I would put it on with the button facing my skin and the sweat got in there and ruined it. How st*pid is that? A pedometer/workout device that can’t handle sweat. Anyway, I now have one that is working just fine and now I never use it. So if you want it, let me know I would be happy for you to have it.

I feel like this whole journey is one big roller coaster ride. The trick is to hold steady during the tough, uphill parts when things are so difficult that you feel like giving up or that you may already have given up. Eventually things will level off for a minute and then suddenly there will be something (or someone) that inspires you and you will feel motivated and worthy and things will feel easier again, even if for just a little while. Ride that wave as long as you can because there’s always another uphill behind it and you’ll need your strength then.

Hang in there!

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Carrie @ No More Tomorrows August 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

I feel like I’m doing circles lately too. I gained once at my high school reunion but otherwise holding steady, but on the other hand, not losing. But circles are more than giving it the middle finger and sitting on the couch to gain everything back. It’s somewhere in the middle, and you’re figuring it out.

Keep fighting. Your way and in your time, find what works for you.

We are behind you.

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