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Not quite a month ago I left a comment on a fellow bloggers post. I believe every word of it, yet I can’t seem to practice what I preach. It was in regards to feeling like a failure, and it went like this:
I first came to know about the 33 different kinds of awesome that is Tara after reading this post “How much do you weigh emotionally?″ No matter where we end up physically there is still the emotional weight that won’t be shed, disposed of, or set aside. It is coped with. It is treated with careful hands, as not to be dropped and broken. We use it to learn from past mistakes.
My favorite part about the world of you is the fact that you share your emotion. What was once buried under cheeseburgers and WOW is now brought to the front lines. It is exposed, it’s examined, and it is dealt with. So as you transition wanker, lest not forget that with out getting out and living life we aren’t able to make mistakes, learn, and be happy. Fear of failure is what stops so many of us dead in our tracks. If you don’t fail you’ll never scratch the surface of your limits or what you’re truly capable of. And sister you’re capable of plenty!
It was the last time I truly sat down to read anything health related. It was two days after my last post. It was a message I wish I could use more in my own journey. I’ve sat down several times to start writing a new post over the last month. The thing is . . . I haven’t the foggiest what to write about. When my emotions get the best of me I can build a wall with the best of em. Consider this post a wrecking ball. I am still dealing with the loss of my grandma. It sucks. Just writing that I start to blubber. I have transitioned from an unemployed drag on the economy to 6o hours a week. I’ve decided to keep going to school as well(ya know, just in case). I have no idea what i’m thinking. I managed to get my “A” once again in summer session Geology lab. I studied a total of three hours, over eight weeks, of a condensed class that is normally seventeen weeks. I am standing up for my best friend from the age of 4 this upcoming Saturday. My third fitbit crapped out on my due to firmware issues AGAIN last month. My wife is 24 weeks currently. The clock is ticking quick. Before I know it I’ll be going from 5-7 hours of sleep to 3-5 hours of bad sleep.
It’s not that I’ve given up. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about my journey. I’ve been walking around in circles. The big picture is still there. It’s always in the back of my mind, and occasionally in the front of my mind too. I still choose to climb up five stories to talk to the batchman instead of using the two way radios. My belt loop is the same as it was 2 months ago, but I’m walking around in circles.
My birthday is Thursday. It was around then last year that I decided to come back to blogging and really hit it hard to shed my tonnage. It took me a month to get the guts to come back though. Despite not really doing anything failure related, like putting on all the weight I’ve lost, I still have felt like a failure. I don’t know why. Perhaps I started measuring myself against others again. Who knows? What I do know is that it’s taken me darned near a month, and a call from a friend to get the gumption to come back. The feeling of failure stopped me. My still strong Catholic guilt pulsates though these veins. So I am working on finding where that man in the mirror can improve. I am establishing some boundaries. I am working on not walking around in circles. And now I need to work on getting to sleep. The 4:30 am wake up call is just around the corner.